As I discussed last month, the spiral of dysregulation is a profound one. It is the center of our trauma and our healing. Meeting dysregulation is an inevitable part of healing and self-actualizing. One of the most common misconceptions is that dysregulation is something that is threatening and, hence, needs to be regulated. Well it may need to be, at times, but dysregulation within the framework of healing is very uncomfortable, but not a threat. The only threat lies in the fact that trauma had once made it impossible to sense into it. Within the context of healing, it must be expressed and felt for a necessary response of completion. Perhaps the most important difference between trauma and healing is that trauma is experienced in the absence of safety, while healing unfolds in its presence. Without the adequate safety, there is actually much unfeeling that has to happen to survive. Conversely, when approaching healing, it becomes safe to express, so safe (when I say safe here, think accessible; because the initial bouts of safety will not feel safe) that we become sensitized to much of everything that had been dissociated from (including the dissociation, itself), causing the vast experience of chronic dysregulation. It feels much more dysfunctional and unstable because we are finally meeting what is deeply true yet profoundly hidden.

This spiral can feel very similar to the prolonged experience of chronic emotional flashbacks, depersonalization, re-experiencing implicit memory, and the presence of silent (acephalgic) migraines. It can also feel like increased awareness of strange dissociative experiences. Sometimes, through trauma, we dissociate by forgetting entirely. We survive through lack of attunement. Healing can feel strange because we begin to feel the dissociation itself.

Yes…dissociation—the lack of feeling is a feeling too.

What all of these experiences share in common is the inherent disorganization that must beget integration. In fact, when we are evolving, further embodying, healing, and self-actualizing, what we are doing is actively finding implicit memory for the first time.

It is through healing, that we are experiencing the trauma for the first time.

Part of experiencing involves moving within the paradox of becoming profoundly embodied in our internal experience while simultaneously knowing very little about it. When enduring trauma, we leave the body; when healing, we enter the body, and the chronicity of implicit memories that we learned to sever ourselves from in the wake of the impact. And by implicit memories I mean, procedural memories, ones that are stored in the body, that inform our state of being and taking up space in the world. It is the memory that you live through rather than the memory that you remember. As safety increases, awareness increases; and, so we become sensitized to experiences that were previously stored outside of conscious awareness and internal experiences that were consistently being molded outside of our conscious awareness. What once remained dissociated begins to emerge. As a result, healing can feel surprisingly unstable, not because we are becoming more broken, but because we are finally coming into contact with what has always been there.

And so the core of this post..how do we interact with what has always been there for the first time?

Well…for one, we must approach this dysregulation with love. Yes…love. Love is the cornerstone of self-connection, and connection is the cornerstone of integration. Love is the cornerstone of co-regulation without the presence of a safe external person. The core process of healing is twofold—the inviting of disorganization and undergoing of integration as a result. And so when we make space for dysregulation, we want to make space for and anticipate these two internal functions. One way to make space for dysregulation, rather than fighting or controlling it, is to begin relating to it as a part of yourself—a way of being, a state, or even an energy. When this energy shows up, it will certainly impact some of your self-energy—the feeling of being tethered, the energy that best reflects you. Imagine that the energy of dysregulation is shadowing you in your day-to-day. Naturally, welcoming this part of yourself will alter your capacity. It learns from you. It can feel like it’s taking from you; but, ultimately it is showing you, and, as such, by showing you, you can begin to increase your capacity for it. The important thing to remember is that this part is shadowing you, not the other way around.

It was born from the Self, not the other way around.

There will always be a semblance of self-energy there, as you are the Being that they are attaching to. If it wasn’t for you, they would not show up—something important to remember in times of great frustration and uncertainty.

The crux of this spiral involves simultaneously creating differentiation from the part while remaining in relationship with it. To recognize that it is a part of us, is to retain self-energy even in the strongest pulls of dysregulation. We want to locate where self-energy lives and how it shows up when in this state of being, even though self-energy may look and feel very different when migrating into and meeting dysregulation. How does self-energy seem as a perceptual experience, a sensation, an energy, and a moment in time even when moving through this spiral? We need that slight point of differentiation to be able to tether into this spiral.

One helpful exercise to incorporate into this spiral is the two-handed interweave. This exercise involves bilateral stimulation (BLS). BLS allows for both hemispheres of the brain to communicate and allows for dual awareness of both states of being (i.e., the left brain—cognition, perception, adaptive memory storage, explicit memory [the memories we can recall visually and chronologically] and the right brain—emotion, meaning of experiences before we can place language to them, the felt sense, and implicit memory). In this context, incorporating BLS would allow for the known Self to make space for and interact with the dysregulated part that is showing up for the first time. BLS is any action/motion that involves both sides of the body and brain (e.g., eye movements, tapping on either side of the body, walking, running, swaying). The two handed interweave involves—

1. Placing both hands out (in front of you or to the side of you with your arms elongated) and imagine that you are placing your self-energy/your Known Self/the you that remembers who you are in your dominant hand and placing the energy of dysregulation in the other hand. The energy of dysregulation can be different for all of us (the dysregulated part can also better land as, the frightened part, the detached part, the depressed part, the migraine state, the altered state, the activated part, the shut-down part, etc).

2. Turning your attention toward your dominant hand and noticing how self-energy feels—noticing the quality of the energy, its color, how your sense of being, perception and/or experience may shift/sharpen when sensing into this energy. (Stay here for 60 seconds or as long as is comfortable without forcing it). After, slowly migrate your attention toward your non-dominant hand where you have placed dysregulation. Notice how this energy feels in your hand, only sensing into its edges or the parts of the energy that feel tolerable. If this energy feels too big, noticing how you can contain it by only allowing it to remain in your hand. Imagining that if you put it in your hand, for the purposes of this exercise, it cannot travel anywhere else in your being for the duration of this exercise. This energy can feel like unreality, feeling far away, depersonalization/derealization, mental fatigue, buzzing, feeling perceptually altered despite normal vision, emotional flatness, panic, anxiety, depression, somatic symptoms, brain fog to name a few; stay here for up to 60 seconds at a time). Practice turning your attention toward each hand, keeping each hand faced up and out. Try 3-6 rounds of shifting your awareness back and forth between each open hand.

3. When you have been able to comfortably attune to both energies and shift your awareness between both energies, begin to fold each hand back, starting with your dysregulated part, the part that feels more present in the moment. As you fold your non-dominant hand back, the dysregulation speaks and as you fold your dominant hand back, imagining that your self-energy/Known Self is responding back to the part. Folding each hand in is an act of BLS and is intended to reflect a conversation between both parts of you. Don’t overthink the conversation. Listen to what the dysregulated part may have to say and notice how it wants to communicate with you. Fold each hand back, as you proceed through an internal dialogue. An initial conversation may look something like this—

Dysregulation

— “I feel horrible and very uncomfortable.”

Known Self

— “I know. I have felt you carrying that.”

Dysregulation

— “I am tired of carrying it. It feels heavy.”

Known Self

— “That sounds exhausting.”

Dysregulation

— “You don’t understand. I used to wake up and just feel myself.”

Known Self

— “I remember.”

Dysregulation

— “Then where have you been?”

Known Self

— “I’ve been here the entire time.”

Dysregulation

— “It hasn’t felt like it. What if something is permanently wrong? Will I feel like myself again?”

Known Self

— “You’re frightened.

Dysregulation

— “Answer me.”

Known Self

— “You are helping me experience things that I haven’t been able to experience before.”

Dysregulation

— “When will it stop?”

Known Self

— “I don’t know. But we will move through it together.”

The conversation may evolve as you become more comfortable welcoming the dysregulation into the present. Moving through this spiral does not boil down to an exercise, but it does boil down to maintaining curiosity and openness toward the energy that feels distinct. When moving through this spiral, there can be a myriad of parts that show up. You can modify this exercise in the way that feels genuine to your experience. You can choose to put any part in your non-dominant hand, any one part that feels distinct from your baseline.

This BLS exercise allows for three experiences to unfold simultaneously—it allows us to get curious about the dysregulation; it allows us to increase our tolerance to dysregulation; and it allows both hemispheres of the brain to communicate through bilateral stimulation, which works toward dual awareness of the mind and the body, helping them to get on the same page and work toward increased connection and integration. In future blogs, I will incorporate more ego state and BLS exercises that involve conversing with parts of us that may not always involve worded and verbal language.

This spiral asks something difficult of us. It asks us to remain present with experiences that feel unknown while trusting that they belong to us. Healing is rarely the neat return to who we once were. More often, it is the gradual remembering of who we have always been beneath adaptation, dissociation, and survival. The unfamiliar energy that emerges is not evidence that we are lost. It is evidence that something long hidden has finally found enough safety to come forward. The initial manifestation of dysregulation is rarely the final form it takes. What first arrives as panic may later reveal grief. What first arrives as numbness may later reveal longing. What first arrives as disorganization may ultimately become integration. In fact, the version of ourselves that is most authentic is ever evolving. The further we move through the spirals of healing, the greater alignment we will find within ourselves, keeping in mind that the Self will always evolve; but that the feeling of Self will always feel familiar.

The goal is not to eradicate dysregulation. The goal is to develop a relationship with it. To learn its language. To understand what it is carrying. Over time, the energy that once felt frightening begins to feel familiar, and what once felt like fragmentation becomes integration. In this way, the spiral is not a departure from the Known/Self, but a return to it. Moving through each spiral is fluid, not linear. Dysregulation does not necessarily disappear as we move through the various spirals of healing. More often, our relationship to it changes. What once felt overwhelming begins to feel familiar. What once felt threatening begins to feel meaningful. Through repeatedly meeting dysregulation with curiosity, compassion, and love we discover that the Known/Self was never absent. It was simply waiting for us to become capable of holding more of our own experience.

Food for thought.

Kindly,

—Sarah

We typically enter the dysregulation spiral once we can no longer dissociate, once we can no longer mask. At this point, our tolerance for our own protective defenses begins to deteriorate. It can emerge when there has been too much, too fast, for too long—or not enough for too long, meaning our nervous systems can no longer sustain the strategies that once kept us safe. Deterioration may also happen when it is finally safe enough to feel, even if we are still catching up to the felt sense of safety. Usually, one begets the other.

There is a sense of collapse that communicates that there has been a retreat from then and a leap into what is now. This is the start of safety, even if safety requires dropping into the depths of dysregulation. We often only enter this space when there is enough safety to hold us through the discomfort, even if it does not feel safe. It is the recognition of now versus then that allows us to finally drop into this space—where what was held back can begin to surface.

There are a myriad of internal experiences that can be felt within this spiral. What tethers it together is the re-emergence of previously repressed emotions—feelings that are finally surfacing, even if it feels like being ejected from yourself in the process. During this time, the autonomic nervous system often oscillates between two primary states: hyper-arousal and hypo-arousal—commonly experienced as anxiety and depression. When high-functioning anxiety persists for too long, it can intensify into panic, no longer a response to external stressors, but to the internal experience itself, further reinforcing a sense of unsafety within the body. Once this mobilization/activation has been present for far too long, the nervous system will bring us into a state of immobilization. When this sustained activation exceeds the system’s capacity, the nervous system shifts toward immobilization. It can feel like descending a staircase—each step taking you further from the surface that once felt familiar. This transition reflects depletion—an adaptive move into conservation. If this state persists, it can deepen into dissociation. What feels like a loss of feeling may be the beginning of something else—the system changing how it protects, so that healing can eventually become possible. And, hence, the lack of feeling is actually the start of healing.

The dysregulation spiral feels like the survival overload state that our nervous system reaches once the dissociation and feeling begin to meet one another. This will feel like hyper-arousal and collapse at the same time. In this collapse, we begin to feel untethered—like our internal processes are not our own, as if we are no longer in control of our nervous systems and physiological responses. We may not recognize the state shifts that our bodies are moving through. Control becomes the least accessible resource within this spiral. Do not attempt to control this experience. It is through curiosity that regulation begins to emerge and movement into the next spiral can begin.

Tether yourself in the idea that you may feel strange. Unlike yourself.

You may experience heaviness, brain fog, feeling mentally sick, flu-like symptoms, hormonal shifts, difficulty swallowing, shaking, trembling eyelids and twitching eyes, fatigue, panic attacks, depersonalization (i.e., altered sense of Self), derealization (i.e., altered sense of reality), perceptual differences, distorted time, thought disruptions, diminished toleration for day-to-day experiences, body dysmorphia, intolerance for existence, depleted energy levels, migraines, insomnia, and most strangely even…you may struggle to find words for what is happening, as if the experience itself resists articulation. It may feel like an alteration. Not an identity alteration. But an alteration of how you experience yourself (not to be mistaken with structural dissociation). In these moments, gently anchoring into your sense of identity can become a resource—a way of orienting back toward something more stable as your system moves through the spiral.

At certain points in the spiral, it doesn’t just feel like control is fading—it can feel like you are fading. The body distances you from the intensity, while simultaneously plunging you into it, softening the edges of reality, of self, of sensation.

Well, how do we access stability and continue to function from within this state?

Curiosity is the first and most accessible resource in a state of dysregulation. It allows safety to emerge in the way that our systems can tolerate. Until what has been repressed begins to metabolize within, safety itself may feel like dysregulation. Self-energy doesn’t vanish in dysregulation—it becomes quieter, smaller, and harder to recognize. Noticing it in small doses allows us to begin resourcing it over time. In regulation, self-energy leads. In dysregulation, self-energy interrupts. What we aim to eventually find in moving throughout the spirals is living from that place of self-energy. As we move through these raw spirals, we learn to anchor into the brief interruptions of self-energy that emerge within them.

What is self-energy?

You may have heard this concept utilized within the Internal Family Systems framework. From an IFS lens, self-energy refers to the inherent, stable, continuous, autonomous, calm, and spacious presence within us that is separate from our parts and can be resourced to support us within the spiral of dysregulation. From an ego state therapeutic framework, the focus is less on a singular core and more on the system’s capacity for awareness. In this lens, Self can be understood as the integrative, observing capacity of the personality—the ability to hold awareness of multiple ego states without being fully taken over by any one of them. In contrast, IFS treats Self (-energy) as a real, ever-present core with inherent qualities. The ego state framework treats Self as a function of awareness and integration within a system of states that develops resources and qualities through experiencing. I integrate these two models into my work and have come to the conclusion that self-energy is a felt-expression that can be further resourced by the Self, which develops over time. The Self becomes more stable and continuous, the more that we can access our internal resources, self-energy being one of those key resources. Some of the most important internal resources within the dysregulation spiral are, remaining curious toward the dysregulation, the ability to remain with the experience, and the practice of presence. These begin to create a point of differentiation, an alternate state to inhabit once the dysregulation settles—an internal space that allows us to relate to the dysregulation, rather than to be entirely consumed by it. Over time, this space becomes an alternate state we can return to—one that forms the foundation for integrating the spirals that follow.

In moving through dysregulation, we want to hold space for the possibility that such discomfort is the emergence of repressed emotions and parts of ourselves that disrupt and interrupt the process of our sense of continuity. The aim of this spiral is to invite curiosity as to which parts of us are showing up, and to begin gently separating from them so they can be explored with greater awareness and stability. However, before we can move into further regulation by entering the next spiral of healing, we must hold dysregulation and remain in the experience. It is only through staying with it that we begin to access greater self-energy. In my next blog, I will share practices to support this process—ways to hold dysregulation while beginning to build an alternate state that can exist alongside it.

What can feel like a loss of control within this spiral is not the loss of Self, but a shift in access to it. Beneath the intensity, beneath the confusion, something within you remains—steady, observing, and capable of returning. The spiral is not a departure from yourself, but a movement deeper into the parts of you that have yet to be felt, understood, and integrated. And in learning to stay—to remain present within what feels unfamiliar—you begin to build a different kind of stability: one that is not dependent on control, but on your capacity to be with what arises.

Food for thought…

Kindly,

—Sarah

When we begin to heal, we start moving through spirals. These spirals can feel chaotic—even as they are moving you back into connection. We can circle the same space, but not as the same person anymore. The feeling of spiraling may feel familiar, but it may feel softer now, shifting and grounding us into a new context. As I mentioned last month, healing can be explained through three phases: building safety, resolution of unprocessed emotions, and post-traumatic growth/integration of emotions.

The first building block for all healing is building safety. This can feel like a complex task because it requires us to move toward something that is not always familiar, especially when having experienced enduring chronic trauma (i.e., developmental, physical, emotional, sexual, and/or relational). Embodying emotional, somatic, physical, and spiritual safety requires moving along such spirals. Without an adequate amount of safety, we cannot heal and move into deeper realms of healing. One of the most fundamental paradoxes of building safety is that it requires us to move through dysregulation. In fact, our first two spirals are, retreat and dysregulation.

Retreat is a form of safety. This happens when we inch away from the comfortable ways of coping. Dysregulation is what happens when we find that the coping is no longer comfortable, but there is nothing that feels more comfortable to step into…only the discomfort of not knowing what is next or how to exactly get there. Retreat can also mean stepping away from the trauma you are actively enduring—moving toward safety simply by leaving what or who is unsafe. Unfortunately, leaving the traumatic world around us does not mean that we are escaping the traumatic world that has been created inside of us, as a result—cue our next spiral—dysregulation; it is the longest spiral that awaits us. It can last months or years. Not all dysregulation is bad. Even coping can exist within dysregulation—just in a way that once felt more manageable.

Leaving what is outside of you does not mean escaping what has been created within…Some of the most common and complex experiences of such dysregulation are, depression, anxiety, panic, and chronic and complex dissociation—almost like you have taken a step back from yourself, like you have lost the ability to access the internal resources that have kept you in-tact all of these years. In this post, I am not using complex dissociation synonymously to structural dissociation (dissociated identity states within a person; however, keep tuning in, as there will be many posts on structural dissociation in the future). This is the moment that a realization of suppression and repression occurs, when our protective defenses can no longer protect us because of how much is being carried. Mind you, this realization does not always occur consciously; more often than not, it occurs implicitly—when our minds and nervous systems spiral us into the depths of truth. And sometimes truth can lead us to feeling broken and confused, when really this is the starting point of healing and re-integration. These kinds of dysregulation may occur when our systems are finally processing what they couldn’t before. More often than not, this processing occurs without our permission. It is like our systems know they are meeting safety while we are still catching up to it. And so often of the time the building of safety and processing of unresolved internal experiences intersect within this spiral.

You may be thinking…"do anxiety, panic, or dissociation describe the depths of what I am experiencing?” / “Could it be more?” / “This feels more severe.” These experiences could very well define what is happening in your internal world. When you are in the experience, it is very difficult to actually describe it. The severity and disruption in what are usually automated experiences within us cannot be put into words. Even as a complex trauma therapist, I sometimes struggle to precisely describe the altered experiences that can occur within this spiral. But I will try—it feels like you are getting worse. It feels like you have been released from the protective defenses that have kept you feeling “normal,” only the experience of this feels untethering…very untethering. Like there is nothing there to hold you but your fear, anxiety, and your panic (i.e., the fear of the fear). I invite you to remember, that it would be abnormal if this wasn’t happening. Dysregulation is often the first step toward reconnecting with your emotions. And re-connecting to your emotions is the first step toward regulation. We can’t regulate them without feeling them and knowing them deeply.

What once had to stay outside of our awareness can move closer now. So close that it feels like threat to you. Like the trauma is happening all over again, only this time you are feeling it all. Why now? Why when I am safe?—Because when we are safe, our bodies can finally feel, assimilate, and integrate the chronic feelings of unsafety that had lived underneath. Learning to stay with yourself in what feels threatening is what allows you to move through this spiral—and eventually land within yourself. The difference between now and then is that you can feel it all. If you can feel it, it must be safe enough to now. It must be very uncomfortable, excruciating, a feeling of departure from yourself; it will scare you and feel like something is structurally or even neurologically wrong. It will feel perpetually uncomfortable; but is is no longer a threat to you. It makes sense. And there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, things are going right.

In my next post, I will discuss what the experiences of depression, anxiety, panic, and complex dissociation may feel like within the dysregulation spiral. I will also discuss some of the therapeutic frameworks that I utilize when having met myself and my clients in this spiral.

Food for thought…

Kindly,

—Sarah

Sometimes healing feels like going backwards. It isn’t. It’s a spiral.

Thank you for tuning in this month. Each month, I will be discussing the various phases of healing that you may come across in your journeys, with sprinkles of my own spirals of healing. Think of spirals as phases. The only differentiation is that spirals are phases of healing that feel like going backwards—like you’re re-experiencing something old; but instead of pulling you back in, they’re actually pulling you out and back into yourself. Healing doesn’t always feel like lightness, ease, or clarity. Sometimes it feels dense. Uncomfortable. Even painful. Unfamiliar. Discombobulating. Dissociative. Imbalanced. Sometimes it feels safer to stay outside of ourselves than it is to move back within.

This space is for those moments and for you—for those of you who find yourselves within the spiral. I will talk more in-depth about how to move through these spirals throughout the blog. For now, know this: Spirals can bring us further into ourselves in uncomfortable ways. Part of moving back inside of ourselves is turning towards the unfamiliar parts of ourselves—the parts that were once repressed and now feel unrecognizable. There are aspects of healing that can feel strikingly similar to trauma—complex, messy, nuanced, and painful. Healing does not always look like lightness or peace, but it still moves you toward them. Do not be discouraged by these similarities.

There are more spirals—and more phases of healing—than tri-phasic trauma treatment may suggest. In trauma work, healing is often described in three phases: safety, emotional processing, and integration. As a trauma-focused clinician, I am guided toward this framework. Spirals don’t replace this framework. They move within it. This is important to know, as it can be helpful to recognize that there are low points of healing, points that can often and consistently feel re-traumatizing. The difference between healing and trauma is that these low points help you reach yourself while trauma moves you toward only a refraction of that person. Trauma moves us further from ourselves and continues the cycle of anchoring into fragmentation as opposed to completion. And so, think of spirals as the low points of healing—yet still progressive junctures within it. They are part of what allows you to return to yourself—and fully arrive in the present.

Please take with you that, which resonates within my writing and leave what doesn’t. I have decided to start this blog because there are some experiences of human expression and healing that are extremely difficult to articulate. As a complex trauma and complex dissociation-focused clinician, I, too, feel these implicit experiences that are reflections of my own past showing up in the present. More often than not, what shows up now is what couldn’t be expressed before. Truthfully, it feels worse now. At least in the past, my nervous system protected against it. It is a new form of protection I suppose—protecting against the past by finally experiencing what once wanted to show up, only now in the present by having to feel all of it. Sometimes it feels like repetitions of the same thing. My body signaling me that it is now safe, by feeling the most unsafe I once felt, only in real time. Because it is finally safe to feel. What a concept. A paradoxical one, which is meant to chronicle the spirals of healing that you may be feeling, as well. These experiences are compacted into boxes that get checked off, but even in the most specialized of professional communities, are not characterized and spoken to in relatable ways. I am confident that in the long run, these internal experiences, those that are so hard to articulate, but, nevertheless, are such fragments of myself that are re-integrating, are falling back into place, and are a large part of healing, as they may be for you too. And so I feel that it is part of my calling to speak about them and normalize them.

I will keep this intro. short and sweet. Before I jump into specific spirals of healing, I will speak to the tri-phasic trauma treatment framework and the lenses that I look through in my practice. A little later in the blog, I will discuss the spirals, in depth, and how various spirals can make sense within these three overarching phases of healing (i.e., safety, emotional processing, post-traumatic integration), and how they may be showing up within the context of your own lives.

If you find yourself in the spiral, you’re not alone in it.

We’ll make sense of it—together. And so, food for thought for now…

Kindly,

—Sarah