We typically enter the dysregulation spiral once we can no longer dissociate, once we can no longer mask. At this point, our tolerance for our own protective defenses begins to deteriorate. It can emerge when there has been too much, too fast, for too long—or not enough for too long, meaning our nervous systems can no longer sustain the strategies that once kept us safe. Deterioration may also happen when it is finally safe enough to feel, even if we are still catching up to the felt sense of safety. Usually, one begets the other.

There is a sense of collapse that communicates that there has been a retreat from then and a leap into what is now. This is the start of safety, even if safety requires dropping into the depths of dysregulation. We often only enter this space when there is enough safety to hold us through the discomfort, even if it does not feel safe. It is the recognition of now versus then that allows us to finally drop into this space—where what was held back can begin to surface.

There are a myriad of internal experiences that can be felt within this spiral. What tethers it together is the re-emergence of previously repressed emotions—feelings that are finally surfacing, even if it feels like being ejected from yourself in the process. During this time, the autonomic nervous system often oscillates between two primary states: hyper-arousal and hypo-arousal—commonly experienced as anxiety and depression. When high-functioning anxiety persists for too long, it can intensify into panic, no longer a response to external stressors, but to the internal experience itself, further reinforcing a sense of unsafety within the body. Once this mobilization/activation has been present for far too long, the nervous system will bring us into a state of immobilization. When this sustained activation exceeds the system’s capacity, the nervous system shifts toward immobilization. It can feel like descending a staircase—each step taking you further from the surface that once felt familiar. This transition reflects depletion—an adaptive move into conservation. If this state persists, it can deepen into dissociation. What feels like a loss of feeling may be the beginning of something else—the system changing how it protects, so that healing can eventually become possible. And, hence, the lack of feeling is actually the start of healing.

The dysregulation spiral feels like the survival overload state that our nervous system reaches once the dissociation and feeling begin to meet one another. This will feel like hyper-arousal and collapse at the same time. In this collapse, we begin to feel untethered—like our internal processes are not our own, as if we are no longer in control of our nervous systems and physiological responses. We may not recognize the state shifts that our bodies are moving through. Control becomes the least accessible resource within this spiral. Do not attempt to control this experience. It is through curiosity that regulation begins to emerge and movement into the next spiral can begin.

Tether yourself in the idea that you may feel strange. Unlike yourself.

You may experience heaviness, brain fog, feeling mentally sick, flu-like symptoms, hormonal shifts, difficulty swallowing, shaking, trembling eyelids and twitching eyes, fatigue, panic attacks, depersonalization (i.e., altered sense of Self), derealization (i.e., altered sense of reality), perceptual differences, distorted time, thought disruptions, diminished toleration for day-to-day experiences, body dysmorphia, intolerance for existence, depleted energy levels, migraines, insomnia, and most strangely even…you may struggle to find words for what is happening, as if the experience itself resists articulation. It may feel like an alteration. Not an identity alteration. But an alteration of how you experience yourself (not to be mistaken with structural dissociation). In these moments, gently anchoring into your sense of identity can become a resource—a way of orienting back toward something more stable as your system moves through the spiral.

At certain points in the spiral, it doesn’t just feel like control is fading—it can feel like you are fading. The body distances you from the intensity, while simultaneously plunging you into it, softening the edges of reality, of self, of sensation.

Well, how do we access stability and continue to function from within this state?

Curiosity is the first and most accessible resource in a state of dysregulation. It allows safety to emerge in the way that our systems can tolerate. Until what has been repressed begins to metabolize within, safety itself may feel like dysregulation. Self-energy doesn’t vanish in dysregulation—it becomes quieter, smaller, and harder to recognize. Noticing it in small doses allows us to begin resourcing it over time. In regulation, self-energy leads. In dysregulation, self-energy interrupts. What we aim to eventually find in moving throughout the spirals is living from that place of self-energy. As we move through these raw spirals, we learn to anchor into the brief interruptions of self-energy that emerge within them.

What is self-energy?

You may have heard this concept utilized within the Internal Family Systems framework. From an IFS lens, self-energy refers to the inherent, stable, continuous, autonomous, calm, and spacious presence within us that is separate from our parts and can be resourced to support us within the spiral of dysregulation. From an ego state therapeutic framework, the focus is less on a singular core and more on the system’s capacity for awareness. In this lens, Self can be understood as the integrative, observing capacity of the personality—the ability to hold awareness of multiple ego states without being fully taken over by any one of them. In contrast, IFS treats Self (-energy) as a real, ever-present core with inherent qualities. The ego state framework treats Self as a function of awareness and integration within a system of states that develops resources and qualities through experiencing. I integrate these two models into my work and have come to the conclusion that self-energy is a felt-expression that can be further resourced by the Self, which develops over time. The Self becomes more stable and continuous, the more that we can access our internal resources, self-energy being one of those key resources. Some of the most important internal resources within the dysregulation spiral are, remaining curious toward the dysregulation, the ability to remain with the experience, and the practice of presence. These begin to create a point of differentiation, an alternate state to inhabit once the dysregulation settles—an internal space that allows us to relate to the dysregulation, rather than to be entirely consumed by it. Over time, this space becomes an alternate state we can return to—one that forms the foundation for integrating the spirals that follow.

In moving through dysregulation, we want to hold space for the possibility that such discomfort is the emergence of repressed emotions and parts of ourselves that disrupt and interrupt the process of our sense of continuity. The aim of this spiral is to invite curiosity as to which parts of us are showing up, and to begin gently separating from them so they can be explored with greater awareness and stability. However, before we can move into further regulation by entering the next spiral of healing, we must hold dysregulation and remain in the experience. It is only through staying with it that we begin to access greater self-energy. In my next blog, I will share practices to support this process—ways to hold dysregulation while beginning to build an alternate state that can exist alongside it.

What can feel like a loss of control within this spiral is not the loss of Self, but a shift in access to it. Beneath the intensity, beneath the confusion, something within you remains—steady, observing, and capable of returning. The spiral is not a departure from yourself, but a movement deeper into the parts of you that have yet to be felt, understood, and integrated. And in learning to stay—to remain present within what feels unfamiliar—you begin to build a different kind of stability: one that is not dependent on control, but on your capacity to be with what arises.

Food for thought…

Kindly,

—Sarah

When we begin to heal, we start moving through spirals. These spirals can feel chaotic—even as they are moving you back into connection. We can circle the same space, but not as the same person anymore. The feeling of spiraling may feel familiar, but it may feel softer now, shifting and grounding us into a new context. As I mentioned last month, healing can be explained through three phases: building safety, resolution of unprocessed emotions, and post-traumatic growth/integration of emotions.

The first building block for all healing is building safety. This can feel like a complex task because it requires us to move toward something that is not always familiar, especially when having experienced enduring chronic trauma (i.e., developmental, physical, emotional, sexual, and/or relational). Embodying emotional, somatic, physical, and spiritual safety requires moving along such spirals. Without an adequate amount of safety, we cannot heal and move into deeper realms of healing. One of the most fundamental paradoxes of building safety is that it requires us to move through dysregulation. In fact, our first two spirals are, retreat and dysregulation.

Retreat is a form of safety. This happens when we inch away from the comfortable ways of coping. Dysregulation is what happens when we find that the coping is no longer comfortable, but there is nothing that feels more comfortable to step into…only the discomfort of not knowing what is next or how to exactly get there. Retreat can also mean stepping away from the trauma you are actively enduring—moving toward safety simply by leaving what or who is unsafe. Unfortunately, leaving the traumatic world around us does not mean that we are escaping the traumatic world that has been created inside of us, as a result—cue our next spiral—dysregulation; it is the longest spiral that awaits us. It can last months or years. Not all dysregulation is bad. Even coping can exist within dysregulation—just in a way that once felt more manageable.

Leaving what is outside of you does not mean escaping what has been created within…Some of the most common and complex experiences of such dysregulation are, depression, anxiety, panic, and chronic and complex dissociation—almost like you have taken a step back from yourself, like you have lost the ability to access the internal resources that have kept you in-tact all of these years. In this post, I am not using complex dissociation synonymously to structural dissociation (dissociated identity states within a person; however, keep tuning in, as there will be many posts on structural dissociation in the future). This is the moment that a realization of suppression and repression occurs, when our protective defenses can no longer protect us because of how much is being carried. Mind you, this realization does not always occur consciously; more often than not, it occurs implicitly—when our minds and nervous systems spiral us into the depths of truth. And sometimes truth can lead us to feeling broken and confused, when really this is the starting point of healing and re-integration. These kinds of dysregulation may occur when our systems are finally processing what they couldn’t before. More often than not, this processing occurs without our permission. It is like our systems know they are meeting safety while we are still catching up to it. And so often of the time the building of safety and processing of unresolved internal experiences intersect within this spiral.

You may be thinking…"do anxiety, panic, or dissociation describe the depths of what I am experiencing?” / “Could it be more?” / “This feels more severe.” These experiences could very well define what is happening in your internal world. When you are in the experience, it is very difficult to actually describe it. The severity and disruption in what are usually automated experiences within us cannot be put into words. Even as a complex trauma therapist, I sometimes struggle to precisely describe the altered experiences that can occur within this spiral. But I will try—it feels like you are getting worse. It feels like you have been released from the protective defenses that have kept you feeling “normal,” only the experience of this feels untethering…very untethering. Like there is nothing there to hold you but your fear, anxiety, and your panic (i.e., the fear of the fear). I invite you to remember, that it would be abnormal if this wasn’t happening. Dysregulation is often the first step toward reconnecting with your emotions. And re-connecting to your emotions is the first step toward regulation. We can’t regulate them without feeling them and knowing them deeply.

What once had to stay outside of our awareness can move closer now. So close that it feels like threat to you. Like the trauma is happening all over again, only this time you are feeling it all. Why now? Why when I am safe?—Because when we are safe, our bodies can finally feel, assimilate, and integrate the chronic feelings of unsafety that had lived underneath. Learning to stay with yourself in what feels threatening is what allows you to move through this spiral—and eventually land within yourself. The difference between now and then is that you can feel it all. If you can feel it, it must be safe enough to now. It must be very uncomfortable, excruciating, a feeling of departure from yourself; it will scare you and feel like something is structurally or even neurologically wrong. It will feel perpetually uncomfortable; but is is no longer a threat to you. It makes sense. And there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, things are going right.

In my next post, I will discuss what the experiences of depression, anxiety, panic, and complex dissociation may feel like within the dysregulation spiral. I will also discuss some of the therapeutic frameworks that I utilize when having met myself and my clients in this spiral.

Food for thought…

Kindly,

—Sarah

Sometimes healing feels like going backwards. It isn’t. It’s a spiral.

Thank you for tuning in this month. Each month, I will be discussing the various phases of healing that you may come across in your journeys, with sprinkles of my own spirals of healing. Think of spirals as phases. The only differentiation is that spirals are phases of healing that feel like going backwards—like you’re re-experiencing something old; but instead of pulling you back in, they’re actually pulling you out and back into yourself. Healing doesn’t always feel like lightness, ease, or clarity. Sometimes it feels dense. Uncomfortable. Even painful. Unfamiliar. Discombobulating. Dissociative. Imbalanced. Sometimes it feels safer to stay outside of ourselves than it is to move back within.

This space is for those moments and for you—for those of you who find yourselves within the spiral. I will talk more in-depth about how to move through these spirals throughout the blog. For now, know this: Spirals can bring us further into ourselves in uncomfortable ways. Part of moving back inside of ourselves is turning towards the unfamiliar parts of ourselves—the parts that were once repressed and now feel unrecognizable. There are aspects of healing that can feel strikingly similar to trauma—complex, messy, nuanced, and painful. Healing does not always look like lightness or peace, but it still moves you toward them. Do not be discouraged by these similarities.

There are more spirals—and more phases of healing—than tri-phasic trauma treatment may suggest. In trauma work, healing is often described in three phases: safety, emotional processing, and integration. As a trauma-focused clinician, I am guided toward this framework. Spirals don’t replace this framework. They move within it. This is important to know, as it can be helpful to recognize that there are low points of healing, points that can often and consistently feel re-traumatizing. The difference between healing and trauma is that these low points help you reach yourself while trauma moves you toward only a refraction of that person. Trauma moves us further from ourselves and continues the cycle of anchoring into fragmentation as opposed to completion. And so, think of spirals as the low points of healing—yet still progressive junctures within it. They are part of what allows you to return to yourself—and fully arrive in the present.

Please take with you that, which resonates within my writing and leave what doesn’t. I have decided to start this blog because there are some experiences of human expression and healing that are extremely difficult to articulate. As a complex trauma and complex dissociation-focused clinician, I, too, feel these implicit experiences that are reflections of my own past showing up in the present. More often than not, what shows up now is what couldn’t be expressed before. Truthfully, it feels worse now. At least in the past, my nervous system protected against it. It is a new form of protection I suppose—protecting against the past by finally experiencing what once wanted to show up, only now in the present by having to feel all of it. Sometimes it feels like repetitions of the same thing. My body signaling me that it is now safe, by feeling the most unsafe I once felt, only in real time. Because it is finally safe to feel. What a concept. A paradoxical one, which is meant to chronicle the spirals of healing that you may be feeling, as well. These experiences are compacted into boxes that get checked off, but even in the most specialized of professional communities, are not characterized and spoken to in relatable ways. I am confident that in the long run, these internal experiences, those that are so hard to articulate, but, nevertheless, are such fragments of myself that are re-integrating, are falling back into place, and are a large part of healing, as they may be for you too. And so I feel that it is part of my calling to speak about them and normalize them.

I will keep this intro. short and sweet. Before I jump into specific spirals of healing, I will speak to the tri-phasic trauma treatment framework and the lenses that I look through in my practice. A little later in the blog, I will discuss the spirals, in depth, and how various spirals can make sense within these three overarching phases of healing (i.e., safety, emotional processing, post-traumatic integration), and how they may be showing up within the context of your own lives.

If you find yourself in the spiral, you’re not alone in it.

We’ll make sense of it—together. And so, food for thought for now…

Kindly,

—Sarah