Staying with Yourself
The Moment Everything Begins to Change
Differentiating from dysregulation while experiencing it is the key to moving into the next spiral.
Before we move forward into exploring the third spiral, I want to stay here for another moment. Once I have introduced all of the spirals, I will go even further into the experience of each one. But I feel it is important to continue to give ego state examples of how to work with the parts of us that often feel like they can take the my out of myself, exposing us to the various facets of Self that had been hidden away in dissociation. Per my prior blog, as much as we want to befriend the dysregulation, we also want to differentiate from it. We can’t befriend it until we differentiate from it. This is exactly what staying with the dysregulation can help us come across, as well. The daunting question of what happens if I stay can be met with the anticipation of fully leaving ourselves, crumbling, dissociating into a self-less abyss. However, maybe we can reframe just slightly so that the anticipation can better evolve into curiosity:
What happens if I stay?
Not stay with the suffering.
But stay with myself.
This is the lens we want to view the dysregulation through: something unfamiliar that emerges that is a part of ourselves but also something that can play a role in bringing us back to ourselves. The nervous system does not change because we get better at avoiding uncomfortable internal experiences. In fact, the dysregulation begins to show up when the nervous system has burnt itself out of escaping perceived threat. Similarly, integration cannot happen if we attempt to continue suppressing complex parts of ourselves. Integration can only happen through experiencing various parts of ourselves. The concept of myself will change overtime as we learn to integrate; and, within this spiral, there can also be an ability to return to the concept of Self. The learning to stay with ourselves while experiencing the dysregulation is what prepares us for the next spiral: Unburdening.
While we remain within this spiral, there may come a moment when we seem to travel very far away. It may resemble the dissociative experience that once helped us survive—the same chronic disconnection that allowed years of unprocessed dysregulation to remain buried beneath awareness. But this time, something is different. We are not moving away from ourselves to survive. We are moving inward with enough distance, curiosity, and compassion to finally become aware of ourselves—our Self and all of ourselves…What once functioned as an escape from our experience becomes, paradoxically, a way of returning to it. We can move into all of ourselves, while also remaining distanced from dysregulation. Distance to maintain curiosity, not enable more avoidance. In this blog post, I will teach you how to create enough distance from the dysregulation to rediscover a familiar, comfortable version of yourself, and how to invite that Self back into your experience as a way to ground you while you observe what once felt too unfamiliar to approach.
Similar to that of a spiral, I want you to imagine a spiral staircase. At the top of the staircase is dysregulation, We want to go all the way down a long, long spiral staircase to find the version of ourselves that feels familiar, or perhaps even a part of Self that is able to observe the dysregulation that has arisen. I will walk you through in a series of steps:
Try this when sitting or laying down. You can leave your eyes open and start slowly scanning the space in front of you, fixing your gaze at an object in front of you. Focusing your gaze here on a pleasant object that may have a texture or color that feels comforting to focus on. Taking a few rounds of breath, while the object saturates your gaze. You don’t have to monitor your breath. Let it flow freely without forcing pace or quality of breath. If you are clenching or your breath feels stuck, only try to attempt to make each exhale longer than your inhale. As you focus on the object in front of you, you may notice that your eyes start to slow their flicker. The eyes may get tired so much so that they close. Letting them rest while they close or keeping them open is fine. Choose what makes you feel most tethered.
Here, if your eyes are open, give yourself the permission to begin to soften your gaze, almost as if it is melting into the object you are looking at. If your eyes are closed, starting to peek into your mind’s eye here. You will begin imagining that dysregulation is at the very top of the staircase. You will imagine yourself near it on the first step of the staircase. Then, you will begin to turn your attention inward. As you do this, imagine your sense of presence, yourself in this moment, beginning to slowly and gently walk down the staircase, so much so that you begin to feel yourself getting farther and farther away from the dysregulation. If it feels difficult to feel a sense of distance, imagining how you would characterize yourself going down the staircase. How is this person different from the dysregulation standing at the top? (e.g., the person who is breathing in this moment; the person that has the ability to move their fingers or toes; the person that is able to go far away).
Turning your attention twice as much inward here…starting to feel closer to the person you will meet at the bottom of the staircase and starting to feel further from the dysregulated part at the top. You may notice yourself looking behind your shoulder. If you do, seeing what you notice about the dysregulated part at the top. What do they look like? Are they making a noise? Are they saying something? How are they existing at the top of the staircase? What can you comfortably notice about them?
Now turning your awareness back to your feet underneath you, as you keep descending down the staircase. Imagine there are five more steps underneath you before you are able to witness the comfortable, familiar version of yourself waiting at the bottom of the staircase, ready to be of help to you. I will walk you down the remaining five steps as I count from 5-to-1.
Five…turning your attention even more inward so much so that you start feeling like the person you are walking toward is you, and when you greet them/embrace them, they will help you to feel more like yourself.
Four…Beginning to gaze at this familiar Self at the bottom of the staircase. Noticing how small they are all the way at the bottom. But noticing they are there. They are waiting for you, and so you can take your time to get there.
Three…Starting to notice the space at the bottom of the staircase and where your familiar Self is standing. Noticing what they look like and how eager they are to meet you. Noticing how much they want to embrace you. Noticing how the more you descend down the spiral staircase, the bigger and bigger and closer and closer your familiar Self is, waiting for you at the bottom of the staircase.
Two…Noticing one last step underneath you on the staircase
And one…Noticing you have made your way down the entire staircase and are embracing the Self. Imagine that you don’t need to tell the Self anything about how you need their help. They know already. And they are so willing to come back up that staircase with you.
Notice how your body softens knowing that they are there.
Notice whether your breathing shifts.
Notice how time slows in the presence of meeting exactly yourself.
Notice how flow enters your body.
With each exhale, notice how the experience deepens more and more.
They comfort you. They give you a hug and embrace you as much as is comfortable for you. They take your hand as you both begin to ascend back up the staircase. Only now with them, as you get back to the dysregulation at the top, it will feel more manageable with the Self by your side. Linger in this moment as long as is comfortable. Linger in the state of feeling yourself embrace you. Letting the energy of the Self flow into yourself.
You will both take a series of five steps, once more—only this time, you will take five steps up the staircase until you both reach the top. Your Self will act as a support, an ally, as you come back to the dysregulation. Having your familiar Self there with you will allow you to feel more curious toward the dysregulation even though it will continue to be overwhelming. Having your familiar Self by your side will allow you to create more distance from the dysregulation as you are experiencing it.
I will count you up now, from 1-to-5.
One…feeling the Self’s hand in your hand.
Two…Taking your first step up
Three…Beginning to see a faint dysregulated part that is much much smaller than you in size and imagining they are much much younger, as to not overwhelm you.
Four…Continuing to feel the Self right next to you, as you begin to turn your attention outward.
Five…Meeting the dysregulation once more at the top. Only this time imagining the Self next to you, allowing your attention to turn toward the Self’s hand in yours and their warmth should the dysregulation begin to feel big. Continuing to imagine that the dysregulation is much smaller and much younger than the both of you though.
Now, keeping your eyes closed or fixed, continuing to experience this scene, notice that the Self may whisper to you and tell you that they will stay with you whenever you need. They can migrate to a place inside of your body. Somewhere where you can feel them whenever you need support. Somewhere where both they and you can softly land. Whenever dysregulation emerges, you can gently guide your attention toward the place in, which they will reside inside of your body.
When dysegulation emerges, you can gently try to turn your awareness toward the Self that has found a home to live in, in your body, and then toward the dysregulation, itself. You can try this between 3-5x, where you pendulate between each as a way to notice the dysregulation, while creating reasonable distance.
Now that you have this information, I invite you to pick a spacious place in your body for your familiar Self to migrate to. They will know exactly what to do. Noticing how your body begins to feel as they gently begin to migrate to that area. Noticing here a state shift in your body (i.e., does your breath flow easier? Do you feel more grounded? Does it feel more tolerable to notice the dysregulation?)
Knowing that the familiar Self is inside now, begin to migrate your attention outward into your present environment. Going into your breath; beginning to come into contact with the edges of your body; noticing how your body is coming into contact with your outer environment. If your eyes are closed, begin to gently flicker them open. If your eyes had remained open, start to create gentle movement turning your head very slowly from side-to-side and turning your gaze upward before you circle your gaze to the floor. Try these gentle movements very slowly before comfortably resting into the present moment. As you settle into the moment, starting to turn your attention to where feeling and sensation is coming through in the body.
As I continue to move you through the Spirals of Healing, we will add on to this exercise in a way where we work with that, which is at the top of the staircase. The purpose of this exercise is not to escape dysregulation. It is to create enough steadiness within yourself so that you can return to what has been calling for your attention all along—the invitation to have our familiar Self hold us, while we acquaint to the dysregulation; to create dual awareness to be more comfortable further exploring the dysregulation so that we can create a bridge to meet the next Spiral of Healing. The next spiral is one of unburdening. As we put more of an image and context to the dysregulation, we can understand what they need and how to help them. If the familiar Self can be with you, it allows more of you to be there with the dysregulation and as uncomfortable as it is, it is a part of you, one that desperately needs you to understand them in order for you to come back to the Self you understand.
Food for thought…
The moment we can reach access to ourselves is the moment that changes everything. Because if there is no Self to access, there is no one to be-friend, understand, and help to unburden the dysregulation…
Kindly,
—Sarah